What lies behind a mother’s smile?

What lies behind a mother’s smile?

On the occasion of Vietnamese Women’s Day, Ms Bui Tra My from RMIT University Vietnam shares insights from her recent psychological research on parental burnout, focusing on how it affects mothers in modern society.

As an educator, researcher, and millennial mother herself (born between 1981 and 1996), Ms My chose to explore a topic that, while familiar, has not received adequate attention in today’s urban context: parental burnout as experienced by mothers. 

She says: “I have always been interested in archiving what is happening surrounding me, trying to capture the history of now. When I became a mum, I started noticing the emotional highs and lows shared by many mothers, from happiness to exhaustion and burnout. I felt it was something truly worth exploring”

Psychological research on modern Vietnamese mothers: What lies behind the smile?

This study utilised the Parental Burnout Assessment, a scientific scale developed by the Catholice University of Louvain (Belgium) to measure the level of parental burnout. It surveyed 182 millenial working mothers in urban Vietnam. The results revealed that the level of parental burnout in Vietnamese cities is higher than previously recorded in both urban and rural areas of Vietnam. Furthermore, the burnout scores are comparable to those found in individualistic cultures, which are known to have higher parental burnout levels.

Ms My says: “This shows that the pressures of urban life, cultural intersections, and balancing multiple roles create a significant psychological burden on mothers.”

Global studies have identified many factors contributing to parental burnout. In her research, Ms My measured the correlation between parental burnout, the pressure to be a “perfect mother,” and marital satisfaction. The findings indicate a positive correlation between the pressure to be a perfect mother and the level of burnout, while marital satisfaction is negatively correlated with parental burnout.

“This highlights the crucial supportive role of spouse and the marital relationship in supporting mothers’ mental health,” Ms My says.

Another surprising discovery is that close family members, including the mother’s own parents, parents-in-law, partners, and social media, rather than friends or mass media, are the primary sources of pressure on mothers. Expectations and interventions from those closest to the mother have the strongest impact on her mental well-being.

image 1-medium-shot-woman-working-from-home.jpg

Idealised motherhood stereotypes create silent burdens

Through qualitative analysis of the survey, Ms My identified three common motherhood expectation archetypes prevalent in society today.

The “super mum” is the ideal mother who excels in every role simultaneously: a caring wife, dutiful daughter-in-law, skilful child-rearer, and successful professional. Success in children’s education, health, or behaviour is often seen as the proof of her competence, leaving little room for failure.

The “sacrificing mum” prioritises family and children’s needs above her own, often sacrificing sleep, constantly doing housework, and never complaining. This results in feelings of loneliness, imbalance, and lack of personal time.

The “perfect mum” not only manages family responsibilities impeccably but also maintains a positive public image: educated, career-oriented, physically fit, self-caring, and financially independent.

All these expectations collectively create immense pressure to be “perfect” as a mother. As the research shows, the pressure to be perfect strongly predicts the level of parental burnout. The more mothers chase these unrealistic standards, the more physically and mentally exhausted they feel, losing their sense of self and emotionally distancing from their children.

Social media: Exposing and feeding pressure

The role of social media in reinforcing and amplifying unrealistic mothering standards cannot be overlooked. “Momfluencers” and parenting groups often post carefully curated images of motherhood, from beautiful meals and well-behaved children to tidy homes and postpartum body shape. These images can trigger the feelings of inadequacy, pressure, and shame among mothers struggling with a very different reality behind the screen. 

Ms My notes: “Social media transforms the vague notion of a perfect mother into a vivid, immediate, and inescapable reality”.

Ms Bui Tra My, Foundation Studies teacher of Media and Communications, School of English and University Pathways, RMIT University Vietnam (Photo courtesy of Bui Tra My) Ms Bui Tra My, Foundation Studies teacher of Media and Communications, School of English and University Pathways, RMIT University Vietnam (Photo courtesy of Bui Tra My)

Sharing responsibilities and breaking old expectations

Based on her findings, Ms My proposes three key approaches to support modern mothers’ mental health.

  • Within families, husbands are encourated  to actively share housework and childcare responsibilities.  

  • At workplaces, businesses should adopt flexible working policies to help postpartum women balance their dual roles. Practical support such as nursing rooms, adjusted work hours, and empathetic recognition from management can greatly support mothers.

  • At the social policy level, strong campaigns are needed to break gender stereotypes and promote fathers’ equal role in childcare. Additionally, society must normalise psychological therapy or counselling for postpartum women, not only when depression symptoms appear but from the moment mental overload is felt.

Ms My concludes: “In Vietnamese culture, mothers are often expected to care unconditionally for their children and family.  Their fatique, even when shared, are not always taken seriously or adequately supported. Through this research, I hope to show society that parental burnout is measurable and that mothers deserve to be heard.”

Story: June Pham

20 October 2025

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